Page 031

MEHBOOBA

Baith kar apni mehbooba ki zulfon

ke saaye mein’

aisa josh aaya, Phir?

Uski Biwi ne dekh liya

aur ICU mein hosh aaya.

COLLEGE

College ke pehle din par

Ladka Ladki se – Tumhara naam

kya hai?

Ladki – Mujhe sab didi kehte hain.

Ladka – Wow, mujhe sab Jijaji kehte hain.

DOCTOR

Doctor – Tum  maamuli peeth dard bata

rahe the, lekin tumhari toh dharkan bhi

kaafi badi hui hai.

Patient – Who toh aapki fees dekhkar

badi hai.

GIRLFRIEND

Girlfriend aisi ho,

Jo 10 logon mein khari ho sake.

Aisi nahin, jise dekhkar

10 logon ka khara ho jaye.

PYAR

Dhokha mila jab pyar mein

Zindagi mein udaasi cha gayi

Socha tha aag laga denge is duniya ko

Toh kambhakt colony mein doosri aa gayi.

Day 031

MEHBOOBA

Baith kar apni mehbooba ki zulfon

ke saaye mein’

aisa josh aaya, Phir?

Uski Biwi ne dekh liya

aur ICU mein hosh aaya.

COLLEGE

College ke pehle din par

Ladka Ladki se – Tumhara naam

kya hai?

Ladki – Mujhe sab didi kehte hain.

Ladka – Wow, mujhe sab Jijaji kehte hain.

DOCTOR

Doctor – Tum  maamuli peeth dard bata

rahe the, lekin tumhari toh dharkan bhi

kaafi badi hui hai.

Patient – Woh toh aapki fees dekhkar

badi hai.

GIRLFRIEND

Girlfriend aisi ho,

Jo 10 logon mein khari ho sake.

Aisi nahin, jise dekhkar

10 logon ka khara ho jaye.

PYAR

Dhokha mila jab pyar mein

Zindagi mein udaasi cha gayi

Socha tha aag laga denge is duniya ko

Toh kambhakt colony mein doosri aa gayi.

Day 030

SANTA BANTA

Santa – Inn aalu ke paranthon mein

aalu nazar nahin aa raha hai?

Banta – Yaar naam pe mat ja, Kashmiri

pulaav mein kabhi Kashmir nazar aata

hai kya?

TEACHER  STUDENT

Madam Teacher – Kahaan se copy ki,

Kahaan hai pen?

Student Ladka – Tume dekha kya copy,

kya pen, Tere mast mast do nain,

mere dil ka le gaye chein, ghaayab hai

copy aur kho gayi pen.

KHUSHI

Santa apni biwi se – Aaj tumhari choti

behen ko apne ghar dekhke bahut khushi

ho rahi hai.

Biwi – Haanji, aapki khushi pyjame mein se

dikh rahi hai.

SITUATION

Woh kaunsi situation hai jismein mard

15 minute mein thak jata hai aur aurat

chaahati hai ke woh karta rahe.

Shopping.

Magar aap ki soch ko salaam.

THE MAKING OF GIRLS

God – I am making girls with high tech

features, any suggestions?

Boys – Yes, the  heart should be

‘password’ protected, to avoid

multiple users.

Day 029

SANTA

Santa – Murghe kaise diye?

Dukaandaar – Rs. 50, Rs. 40 & Rs. 10.

Santa – Rs. 10, itna sasta kyun?

Dukaandaar – Sir, isse Aids hai.

Santa – De do mujhe khaana hai, sex thodi

karna hai.

SARDAR

Sardar dials number  and a girl receives

the phone.

Sardar – Hello kaun?

Girl – Mein Sita.

Sardar – Arre baap re baap! Meine to

ludhiyana call kiya tha, yeh toh Ayodhya

lag gaya.

BANANA

Ek aurat 3^rd floor se banana wale ko

dekhkar poochti hai ‘kela kaise dega’?

Banana wala – Memsaab , 8 mein12.

Aurat -  7(sath) mein 13(tera) loongi

deta hai toh oopar aa ja.

BOSS

Boss - Itne kam kapde pehenkar kyun

aayi ho, aadha jism dikh raha hai.

Ladki – Itni salary mein yehi aata hai.

Boss – Manager, isko 3 mahine tak

salary mat dena.

Day 028

PROPOSE

Kya aapko pata hai, ladki ko propose

karne ke liye, kaunsa din sabse acha hai.

APRIL 01. Pata hai kyun?

Agar woh maan jaaye, aapki luck

Agar na mane, toh keh do April Fool.

DULHA

Ladkiwale – Beta, drink karte ho? Ji haan.

Cigarette ? Ji haan. Juaa, Satta? Ji haan.

Danga, Fasaad? Ji haan.

Saari negative baatein, kuch positive bhi hai?

Ji haan, HIV Positive.

CHEMISTRY

In a chemistry class Teacher asked a girl –

What are nitrates?

Girl answered shyly – Night rates, they are

costlier than day.

BAKRI

Kaash tum bakri hote

Hum tumhe ghaas khilaate

Aur pyar se tumhare seeng hilaate

Aur poochte, message bhejne mein kanjoos kaun?

Toh tum pyar se kehte “mein mein.’

DRESS

Ladki – Iss dress ka kya price hai?

Dukaandaar – Sirf 5 kisses.

Ladki – Aur uss dress ka?

Dukaandaar – 10 kisses.

Ladki – Dono dresses pack kar do,

bill daddy denge.

Day 027

SAANSON MEIN AAG

Honthon se choo liya

Aur ehsaas ab tak hai

Aankhein nam hain

Aur saanson mein aag ab tak hai

Aur kyun na ho

Khaayi bhi hari mirch hai.

CHINTI AUR HAATHI

Ek baar chinti ke liye haathi ka rishta aaya

Chinti ne rishta inkaar kar diya

Poochne par bataya ke

Dulhe ke daant baahar hain.

Ladka Ladki

Ladki – Agar meri left leg ka lunch bana ho

aur right ka dinner, toh tum kya pasand karoge?

Ladka – Mein lunch aur dinner ke beech,

sham ki chai pasand karoonga.

DOUBLE MEANING

Bite the neck gently

Chew the breast softly

Spread the legs slowly

Taste the juice excitingly.

That is how, you have to enjoy a chick

Tandoori Chicken.

PATI PATNI

Pati – Tum meri kis cheez se zyada

Impressed ho- Life style, Car, Dressing

ya bank balance

Biwi – Aap ke sex se, aap jaisa sex

mohalle mein kisiko bhi karna nahin aata. 

Day 026

FISH

Ek aadmi ne ek din mashi pakdi.

Jab ghar aaya toh

No gas, no atta, no bijli, no tel

Aadmi vaapas mashi ko dariya

mein phenk aaya.

Mashi oopar aayi aur zor se chilaayi

Jiyo Manmohan Sarkar Jiyo.

PATI PATNI

Patni santa se – Please bike tez na chalaao,

mujhe darr lag raha hai.

Santa – Agar tumhe bhi darr lagta hai toh

meri tarah aankhein band kar lo.

BOYFRIENDS

Boyfriends are like ‘Pani Puri’ always Tasty

Lovers are like ‘Pizzas’ Hot and Spicy

Husbands are like “Dal Chaawal’

No option, but good for health.

SCHOOL

Convent school ke bache zoo mein –

Oh! Wow! Monkey is sleeping. Don’t disturb.

Government school ke bache – Oye Hoye,

dekh tera baap so raha hai, pathar maar

saale ko.

PATI PATNI

Patni – Mein maike ja rahi hoon, Talaaq

ka notice bhaj doongi.

Pati – Ja Ja, meedthi meethi baatein karke,

Khush karne ki koshish mat kar.

Day 025

SARDAR

4 Sardar train ke peeche bhag rahe the.

2 char gaye, toh train mein logon ne kaha

‘well done’

Sardar – Khaak well done.

jana toh unhe tha,

hum toh chorne aaye the.

BAAP BETA

Baap bete se – Tumhare result ka kya hua?

Beta – Who Principal ka beta fail ho gaya.

Baap – Tumhara?

Beta – Who major sahib ka beta fail ho gaya.

Baap – Tumhara kya hua?

Beta – Who doctor sahib ka beta  B ……..

Baap – Idiot, mein tumhara pooch raha hoon?

Beta – Toh aap kaunse Prime Minister ho,

jo aapka beta pass ho jaaye.

SANTA BANTA

Santa ne medical store se dawa li aur store

wale se kaha, cheeni bhi do.

Medical storewala -  Cheeni medical store

pe nahin milti.

Santa – Mein pagal nahin hoon, ispe likha

hai ‘sugar free’.

PATI PATNI

Patni – Aapko bhojan chaahiye?

Pati – Mere choice mein kya kya hai?

Patni – Haan ya Na.

LADKA LADKI

1 ladke se 1 ladki ne dil maanga toh

ladki ne kaha kal doongi.

Doosre din ladki apne saath bacha

lekar aayi  aur ladke ko de diya, kyun?

Dil toh bacha hai ji.

Day 024

NAUKAR MAALIK

Maalik – Tum bathroom mein kyun ghus aaye,
kya tumhe pata nahin tha ke mein naha raha
hoon?
Naukar – Huzur, galti ho gayee, mein samjha
begum sahiba hain.      

SANTA BANTA
Santa – Ladkiyaan sharaab se itni nafrat
kyun karti hain?
Banta – Kyunki isko peene ke baad unka
chuhe jaisa pati, sher ban jata hai.

HAATHI CHINTI
Ek baar ek chinti ne hathi ke kaan mein
kuch kaha aur hathi behosh ho gaya.
Phir kisine chinti se poocha ke tune kya kaha.
Chinti boli – Meine itna hi kaha tha ke mein
tumhare bache ki maan ban ne waali hoon.

SARDAR
Hi!  I am sardar.
This is my sardarini
He is my kid
And... she is my kidney.

BAR
Sardar at bar in newyork
Man on his right says ‘johny walker single’
Man on his left say ‘ Peter Scotch singe’

Sardar says ‘Baljit Singh Married’.

Day 023

SAD GIRL

A sad girl was sitting with her husband.

Husband – You are the second most

beautiful girl, I have ever seen.

Girl – Who is the first?

Husband – It’s you, when you smile.

DOCTOR

Doctor – Aap ke pati ko sakht aaram ki

zaroorat hai, yeh neend ki goliyaan hain.

Biwi – Yeh mein inhe kis waqt doon?

Doctor – Yeh aapne khaani hai.

DIL

Unke deedar ke liye, dil tarapta hai

Unke intezaar mein dil tarasta hai

Kya kahein kambhakt is dil ko.

Jo apna hokar bhi, kisi aur ke liye

dharakta ha.

DOUBLE MEANING

A short thing

It gets longer

When you hold it

And pass between woman’s breasts

And enters in a hole

What is it?

Car seat belt

You dirty mind.

SANTA BANTA

Santa apne dost banta ke bare mein

baat karte hue bola – Jagah na milne

ki wajah se log sex nahin kar paate hain.

Banta – Haan, ek baar mere saath bhi

aisa hi hua tha.

Santa – Phir?

Banta – Phir kya, ladki ne bataaya ke

jagah taangon ke beech mein hai.

Day 022

HASEENA

Mat kar mere dost, in hansinaon se mohabbat,

yeh aankhon se war karti hain,

Meine teri girlfriend ki aankhon mein dekha hai,

woh tujhse zyada mujhe pyar karti hai.

DOUBLE MEANING

Jinke pass hai, woh haath mein leke hilaate hain,

Jinke pass nahin, who ungli dalke kaam chalaate hain

Bolo kya? Dirty mind? It is tooth brush.

SALWAR

Ek jhalak kaafi hai, dil ka mareez banaane ke liye

Tune itni badi salwar pehni hai, ek chotti si cheez

chupaane ke liye.

SARDAR

Sardar rozana sex tablets khaata tha.

Dost – Yaar, na teri wife hai aur na girlfriend,

phir kyun khaata hai?

Sardar – Bas aise hi,underwear mein raunak

lagi rehti hai.

JAANEMAN

Palat kar dekh jaaneman

Jigar mein dum hum bhi rakhte hain

Bra mein do bum tum rakhti ho

Toh chaddi mein ek gun hum bhi rakhte hain,

Day 021

PREMI & PREMIKA

Premika – Mujhse vada karo ke mujhe kabhi

choone ke liye aur kiss karne ke liye mujpe

dabaav nahin daloge.

Premi – Behen tu ghar ja, tere mummy papa

chinta kar rahe honge.

CURTAIN & PANTY

What is the difference between pulling a

curtain and a panty?

When you pull a curtain, it means that

the show is over but pulling down a

panty means it is SHOWTIME.

SUHAAGRAAT

Train mein patni pati se boli – Aaj suhagraat

hai, kuch karo na?

Pati bola – Arrey saali, dikhai nahin de raha hai,

saamne kya likha hai? Chalti train mein charna

manaa hai.

SANTA

Santa - English mein jhopri ko kya kehte hein?

Banta – Hut.

Santa – English aati nahin toh daante kyun ho?

RECESSION

Interviewer – What is the recession?

Candidate – When ‘wine and women’ get replaced

by ‘water and wife’, that critical phase is called

recession.

Day 020

ADVERTISEMENT

A bachelor gives an advertisement in a matrimonial.

Wanted Girl, age no bar, looks no bar, money no bar

But Sex Baar-Baar, hazaarbaar, lagaataar.

SARDAR

Sardarji talking on the cell phone.

2^nd sardar – Kis se baat kar rahe ho?

1^st sardar – Biwi se.

2^nd sardar – Itne pyar se.

1^st sardar – Tumhari hai.

SANTA-BANTA

Santa – Papa, jab aap honeymoon pe gaye the,

tab mein kahaan tha?

Papa – Putar, jaate waqt tu mere pass tha aur

aate waqt tumhari maan ke pass.

JYOTISH

Jyotish – Tumhari zindagi mein 12 larkiyaan aayengi.

Ladka – Oh yes yes, hui na yeh baat, kya zindagi hogi.

Jyotish – Zyada khush mat ho beta, ek patni aur

11 betiyaan hogi.

LADKA LADKI

Ladka poochta hai bidaai ke time ladkiyaan roti

kyun hai?

Ladki – Kaminey, agar tujhe pata chale ke shahar

se door le jaake koi tujhse bartan manjwayega,

toh tu kya naachega.

Day 019

KUTUB MINAR
Teacheri- Is sentence ko repeat karo.
Delhi mein kutub minar hai.
Student (Neend ke tone mein)-
Dubai mein kutta beemar hai.

DOUBLE MEANING
Kabhi raat mein leti ho
Kabhi din mein leti ho
Jab bhi zaroorat pade
Prabhu ka naam leti ho.

DOUBLE MEANING
Squeeze the whole body, rub everywhere
Kiss at the top and suck the flesh
Oh…. You will not understand
That is the way to eat a mango
HAPPY MANGO SEASON.

MARRIAGE
Ladka- Kal mein tumhare ghar gaya tha,
Lagta hai hamari shaadi nahin hogi.
Ladki – Kyun, Papa se mile the kya?
Ladka – Nahin, Tumhari behen se mila tha.

PATI PATNI
Thappar maarne par naaraz patni se pati bola-
Aadmi usiko maarta hai, jis se pyar karta hai.
Patni ne Pati ko do thappar mare aur boli –
Aap kya samajte hein, Mein aapse pyar nahin karti?


A

Day 18

SUHAAGRAAT
Suhaagraat ko pati ne apni patni se pyar se poocha –
Kya mehsoos kar rahi ho?
Patni boli – 5% Sharm, 5% Dard aur 90% puraane
Din yaad aa gaye.

CONDOM
Santa – Bhaisahab, ek condom dena, meine
Girlfriend ko gift dena hai.
Dukaandar – Is par cover chara doon?
Santa – Arre nahin, yeh toh cover hai,
gift toh mere pass hai.

ULLU
Aati thi, jaati thi
Hansti thi, hansati thi
Bhagti thi, bhagati thi
Bolti thi, bulwaati thi
Aaj pata chala
Saali ullu banati thi.

MAN
Which part of a man’s body has no bone,
Is full of veins, loves pumping and responsible
for making love.
Answer – HEART. But I love the way you think.

DOUBLE MEANING
A short thing
It gets longer when u hold it
And pass between woman’s breasts
And enters in a hole
What is it?
Car seat belt
U dirty mind.

Day 017

HUSBAND WIFE
Wife – Bas karo, raat ke 12 baje se kar rahe ho
aur subah ke 8 ho chuke hain, thake nahin?
Husband – Abhi toh kuch nahin kiya, din raat karoonga
kyunki mere 1000 messages free hain.

DAUGHTER MOM
1980 Mein Ladki – Mummy mein jeans pehen loon?
Mummy – Nahin, Log kya kahenge?
2011 Mein Ladki – Mom, mein mini skirt pehen loon?
Mummy – Pehenlo,pehenlo beti, kuch toh peheno.

RED LIGHT AREA
Pappu meets his father in red light area.
Pappu – Papa, aap yahaan?
Father – Bas beta. Ab 300 – 400 rupaiyon ke liye
teri maan ke nakhre nahin sahe jaate.

OLD WOMAN
A 90 years old man starts making love with his
85 years old wife. He started sucking her breasts
and after 10 minutes he died.
Autopsy report – Cause of death
EXPIRED MILK.

DIVORCE
Judge – Why do you want divoce?
Husband – She does not satisfy me in bed.
Judge – Is it correct?
Wife – Mohalla khush hai, bas isike hi nakhre hein.

Day 016

AADMI
Bomb aur Condom mein kya farq hai?
Ek fata toh aadmi duniya se chalaa jata hai.
Doosra fata toh aadmi duniya mein aa jata hai.

NAAM
Har galli har deewar par tera hi naam likha hai
Har galli har deewar par tera hi naam likha hai
Oopar likha hai ‘most wanted’
aur neeche 50000 rupaiye ka inaam likha hai.

MASLA
Santa – Ek masla khara ho gaya hai?
Banta – Yaar, itna kyun masla , jo sala khada hi ho gaya.

TEACHER
Teacher gave a sentence to Santa for translation.
Khushi ke maare uski chaati phool gayi.
Santa – Due to happiness, his chest turned into breasts.

FAMILY PLANNING
What is the best family planning slogan on a government bus?
Hum do hamaare do - nahin
Chotta parivaar sukhi parivaar - nahin
The answer is – Kripya peeche se chariye.

Day 15

MINISTER
Minister -Train durgatna se marne walon ke rishtedaron
ko 5 laakh aur zakhmi ko 3 laakh diye jaayenge.
Santa – Hamaara baap pehle zakhmi hua phir mar gaya,
hamaare 8 laakh bante hain.

JYOTISH
35 ki umar tak tumhaare pass paisa nahin hoga aur
tum dukhi rahoge.
Santa – Uske baad?
Jyotish – Phir tumhe aise jeene ki aadat par jaayegee.

PYAR
Question – Pyar kab hota hai?
Answer – Jab time kharaab chal raha ho. Rahu, ketu
aur shani ki dasha kharaab ho aur Bhagwan maze
lene ke mood mein ho.

SUHAAGRAAT
Suhaagraat ko pati patni ko 300 rupaiye dekar kehta
hai, humne yeh kaam free mein nahin kiya.
Toh patni unmein se 100 rupaiye vaapas dekar
kehti hai, humne bhi kabhi apno se zyada nahin liya.

BOSS
Itne kam kapre pehenkar kyun aayi ho. Adha jism
dikh raha hai.
Ladki – Itni salary mein, yehi aata hai.
Boss – Manager, isko 3 mahine tak salary mat dena.

Day 014

INSAAN JHUKTA HAI
Kitna bebas hai insaan, Kismat ke aage,
Har sapna toot jaata hai, Hakeekat ke aage,
Jisne kabhi jhukna nahin seekha duniya mein.
woh bhi jhuk jaata hai, Begum ke aage.

LADKA LADKI
Ladka Ladki se – I love you.
Ladki – Apni shakal dekhi hai?
Ladka – Dekhi hai, tabhie to tere pass aaya hoon,
varna Katrina Kaif ke pass nahin jaata.

SANTA BANTA
Santa –Meri Biwi bahut paise maangti hai,
Jabse shaadi hui hai, roz 1000, 2000 maangti hai.
Banta – Woh in paison ka kya karti hai?
Santa – Kya pata, Meine kabhi diye hi nahin.

KISS
Kissing at the top, holding at the middle and
fire at the bottom.
Do you know the answer? What? Huh?....
Don’t think dirty, it’s a Cigarette.

DOCTOR
Ek baar ek aurat doctor ke pass aayi aur boli –
Mere Pati ka saamaan bahut bara hai, jab who
daalta hai toh dil ko lagta hai.
Doctor – Usko le aao, operation karke chotta kar
deta hoon.
Aurat – Arre nahin Doctor sahaab, mera dil thoda
sa oopar kar do.

Day 13

RICHSHAWALA
Aurat Rickshaw wale se – Kyun bhai, andar tak jaayenge kya?
Ricshawala – Bilkul jaayega madam, tabhi to khara kiya hai.

PATIALA PEG
What is the difference between Patiala Salwar & Patiala Peg.
Student – Ek utarti jaldi hai, Dusri charti jaldi hai.

JO MAANGE WOH DE DENGE
Tu chaand maange, Mein chaand de doon
Tu raat maange, Mein raat de doon
Tu dil maange, Mein dil de doon
Tu jaan maange......
Abbey bas, Department store samaj rakha hai kya?

DIVORCE
Mein apni biwi se Divorce chaahata hoon.
Woh mujhse 6 mahino se boli nahin hai.
Wakeel – Dubara soch lo, Aisi biwi kismat waalon ko hi milti hai.

PANDIT
Ek pandit ki taang jal gai.
Doctor ne Burnol aur Viagara (sex ki goli) likh ke di.
Pandit bola Burnol toh samaj aata hai par Viagara kyun?
Doctor – Us se dhoti zara oopar rehti hai.

Day 012

BAAP BETA

Beta – Papa, meri teacher kitni mast hai na.

Papa – Beta, teacher maan ke baraabar hoti hai.

Beta – Aap toh hamesha apni hi khushi dekhte ho.

 NAARI PURUSH

Teacher – Naari ka matlab kya hai?

Student – Naari ka matlab hai Shakti.

Teacher – Toh phir purush ka matlab kya hai?

Student – Very sinple, Sahan Shakti.

SHAADI

Ladki ki shaadi mein uska puraana boyfriend bhi aaya tha.

Kisi ne us se poocha – Kya aap hi dulhe ho?

Boyfriend – Nahin, mein semi final mein out ho gaya,

final dekhne aaya hoon.

MAAN BACHA        

Ek aurat ko bacha paida hua. Delivery ke baad bache

ki muthi bandh thi. Jab doctor ne muthi ko kholkar dekha

toh uske ek haath mein ‘I-Pill’ ki goli thi aur likha tha

‘Jaanko raakhe saaiyan, maar sake na koi’

STUDENT TEACHER

A girl to her teacher – Yeh pyar kya hota hai?

Teacher – Jab tum bari hokar achi bachi banogi

toh tumhe ek pyar karnewala milega.

Girl – Agar achi na bani toh?

Teacher – Toh bahut saare milenge.